One of the reasons I fell in love with Dan is that we understood each other so well, because we had known the same people, been in the same places, and done the same things for so long. We had a cultural context in common, so we could both use short hand when talking with each other and both knew the history and the personalities involved in what we were talking about. That was important to me, because, even though he was 17 years older than I was, we spoke the same "language". I mean that in the context sense, not in the literal sense.
One of the things that built our common context was the fact that we had spent a lot of time together working on things in the SCA, mostly constabulary stuff (safety and security). I believe that spending time together is crucial in creating common context and therefore connection, and, of course, not just romantic connection.
One of the things that has struck me this weekend is how gradually my connection to the SCA, and to many people in it, have become less. It's not that I don't love them or enjoy spending time with them, it's that I'm not spending time with them, so our connection and context is different. I've realized that this has been a gradual process over many years. It started when Dan got sick; his health was day to day so we didn't get to as many events as we had been. A few times we had to leave events we were at because Dan got sick. So gradually we weren't there when decisions were being made, when topics were being discussed, when things happened. We weren't teaching classes all over like we had been for years and years. When we did get to events, we didn't always know the context or personalities involved in what was going on. Of course, sometimes we did, and that was always good. Then Dan was put on dialysis and our world became all about hospitals and doctors and rides to dialysis, except on the occassions we went to the movies or when we very rarely got to an event. Sometimes, as much as I could, I sent to Dan to events with trusted other people. I know it was hard on them, but it really was wonderful. The days at events were times that Dan didn't have to worry about hospitals or doctors. He could get away from being sick, for the most part. I usually stayed home on these days, for two reasons: we couldn't afford for both of us to go (especially as the cost of gas rose) but it was important for Dan's mental health that he go, and because, to be honest, I was exhausted. I only slept when Dan wasn't home, so this meant very limited sleep for two years. We did become extremely close to those who drive Dan to and from dialysis, saving his life every day, because we, and, of course, in particular Dan, spent so much time with them.
After Dan died, my finances have been so devistated that it has been a struggle to afford site fees. I have been to events, at least a few every year, and have enjoyed them, but last weekend I realized that it has felt like visiting rather than being part of, and that it has felt that way for a while, although I couldn't put my finger on it. I tried to remember the last time I had gone to an event and felt like Melissa, like the me of the SCA, and I really couldn't. It felt very sad. I thought about why this has happened, and I think it's because when I go to an event now most of my mind is still on what I am passionate about in the modern world. Because I haven't been spending time at SCA events, I'm having a hard time getting into that world and leaving the other behind. I have even been having trouble finding things to talk about at events that are SCA or related. I'm a different person than Melissa was. Tougher? Maybe, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. More jaded? Absolutely ! And that breaks my heart. I do still have an idolistic streak, which I am thankful for. I do still, and even more urgently, believe in miracles. I just don't feel myself in the SCA context anymore. After 35 years, that hurts a lot, but it is the truth. Yes, there was something that happened, in which the SCA did nothing wrong, which made me make the final decision, but when I thought about it afterwards, I realized it had been coming, for a lot of other reasons, for a long time.
Friday night I was confronted with the reality of how much my reality had changed. I won't go into what happened, but it was stark.
For me, when I talk about whispers, this is the kind of thing I mean, when things happen to turn you in a particular direction. I believe everything happens for a reason. When Dan and I got married, if you had asked me if I was ever going to leave the SCA, the community of people that I have been a part of since I was 11, I would have laughed at the absurd thought of it, but now I see that gradually I have been turned away from it. Then came a day when I knew that I had to leave. It was wrenching. It was soul-crushing. It was the right thing to do. I will always love people who are SCA. I will always call some of them family. I will take time to visit them. But now I must follow those whispers.
Make it a great day!
Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
((((((((((Heather))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean, Heather. Sometimes life, the Universe, God, decides it's time for us to let go of something, and if we keep on hanging on, it leaves us anyway. If you had asked me 5 years what things gave my life meaning, I could have given you a list. And today, not one of those things is in my life. If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would want to live, Nelson would not have been it, yet here I am. Still struggling with it, still not happy about it. But even people who are paralyzed or lose a limb or their job will be just as happy eventually as they were before.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I gained a great deal of insight into myself, and I've realized that I know, I *KNOW* that even if I attempt something and fail, I'm still going to be fine. Because I have so much experience at making changes in my life, I know that life goes on even when the thing I thought would last forever, doesn't. It truly does come down to finding that still, small voice, that whisper, that little jump of emotion at one thought and the flicker of dread at the other that says, "go this way. Not that way, THIS way. Yes." And to tuning out the other voices that advise us, caution us, tell us to slow down or "be sensible." It's a process of fine-tuning, and it takes time. I don't know if I've got it right yet, or if I ever will.
I watched an interview with Desmond Tutu a few years ago. He said, "when God grabs you by the scruff of your neck, theoretically, you have the right to say no." I laughed out loud at that. The kicker is that word "theoretically."
He said in the same interview, "there's no shaft of light that comes down from heaven and says, 'yes my son, yes my daughter, you are right.'"
He was talking about Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the Lutheran writer who's considered one of the top theologians of the twentieth century, one of the most brilliant Lutheran writers in history, who chose to stand up to the Nazis and was executed. Which can look like a tragic waste if you see things that way. Or a life that makes total sense if you look at it another way. He knew what was right, and he did what he felt was necessary. The line between foolishness and sainthood is pretty thin. :-) Looking back, we can say, "Oh, yeah, he did the right thing," but going forward day by day, he didn't know for sure. None of us do.
Anne Lamott is one of my favourite writers for this very thing. "Sometimes, the lesson IS the slog." We'd like to be more enlightened, but we wish it could be quicker, easier, less messy, less painful. If it were, it wouldn't be the same lesson, and we wouldn't be the same people.
Keep on keeping on! Keep listening! Keep writing!
((((((((((((((((Birthday Sister))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Hon
Love and Hugs,
Heather