Tuesday, June 29, 2010
My new place
After much searching, and wondering if I was ever going to find something that would work, las night I walked into the house I would have if I designed it. I always felt drawn to, and adored, the craft'sman style. It just feels so right, solid and substantial without being gloomy, and geometric,which also suits me. The entire house is craftsman, with lots of wood and stone. I have the main floor, with a shared kitchen and laundry room. There are huge windows in my room, to let in the fresh air and sunshine :) As soon as I walked in, I knew this was it. My whole heart is singing and I feel entirely blessed. This is the perfect place to dream and plan and make decisions. I will post photos soon. Thank you, God. Love and Hugs, Heather
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Creating a new offline community ?
So, one of the things I've been thinking about is how, once I've moved, to create a new offline community and support system. It's feeling a little, okay maybe more than a little, daunting. I know people will be brought into my life, and that helps to settle some of my fears, at the same time I some brainstorming along those lines, and opening up to those opportunities, feels right too. Thoughts? Ideas? Questions?
I know this is a very short post, sorry. Looking forward to your thoughts :)
Make it a great day !
May your day be full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
I know this is a very short post, sorry. Looking forward to your thoughts :)
Make it a great day !
May your day be full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Friday, May 28, 2010
US Survivor Benefits ?
I almost forgot to mention: T sent me information on US survivor benefits and related bits, and it turns out I may be eligible for benefits, because I am disabled, when I turn 50 in a little over three years (three years ?!). It's reduced benefits, because I won't be 60 or 65, but benefits nonetheless. Maybe that would be the key to immigrating? It hurts to think that we may be fighting this issue in three years, really hurts, but as I have always said, I'm in this for the long haul. Maybe I'm supposed to fight for Omar in Ottawa now, and then move to the US to more intensely lobby after that?
Opening myself to the whispers and thinking outloud.
Make it a great day !
Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Opening myself to the whispers and thinking outloud.
Make it a great day !
Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Where To ???
A few people have mentioned that DC seems to be the natural place for me to be to lobby the US government on anti-torture issues. It does seem logical to me. So, I emailed a friend who's a US immigration lawyer, who I'll call T. to see what the possibility might be.
Before I go into his answer, let me paranthetically say that when Dan and I got married we were going to go through both countries' processes to become legal in both countries, so we wouldn't have to worry. They were the best laid plans of mice and men. We got Dan landed in Canada, after a huge several year and very expensive effort. By the time we got that done, Dan couldn't sponsor me, because he was disabled, so we never got to that part.
I asked T whether there was a possibility of landing me in the US, since I was the widow of a US citizen. It turns out, if I had asked within two years of Dan's death, it probably would have been easy. Sigh ! I wish I had asked, but that ship has sailed. I also asked if there were any opportunities due to Dan's being a veteran. T hadn't heard of any possibilities along that line, but thought it might be possible. T was pessamistic about my landing on my own, because of my disabilities, although he did say that it depended on what I wanted to do.
So, I started thinking: if I can't get live in DC to lobby, what is the next best alternative. Ottawa! Then I can lobby on behalf of Omar Khadr in person :) My dad's older brother, Pierre, has lived in Ottawa for a very long time. He's retired now, but he was in the Canadian Army Intelligence Corps for twenty years, and then had a very long career as the Head of Ethnographic Films for the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa. He lived for many, many years in a house built in the 1800s formerly owned by Lorne Green. It was so old that in the papers he had, Uncle Pierre was obilgued to allow the neighbours in front of him to turn their horse team around on his property. They haven't allowed horses on downtown Ottawa streets, except for parades and police, for decades. I visited Uncle Pierre in Ottawa when I was 15 and my brother was 12, and found Ottawa to be a pretty cool city, but that was a loooooong time ago. I need to more investigation, but thinking about Ottawa sparks something in me that feels right.
Thinking outloud :)
Make it a great day !
Have a day filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Before I go into his answer, let me paranthetically say that when Dan and I got married we were going to go through both countries' processes to become legal in both countries, so we wouldn't have to worry. They were the best laid plans of mice and men. We got Dan landed in Canada, after a huge several year and very expensive effort. By the time we got that done, Dan couldn't sponsor me, because he was disabled, so we never got to that part.
I asked T whether there was a possibility of landing me in the US, since I was the widow of a US citizen. It turns out, if I had asked within two years of Dan's death, it probably would have been easy. Sigh ! I wish I had asked, but that ship has sailed. I also asked if there were any opportunities due to Dan's being a veteran. T hadn't heard of any possibilities along that line, but thought it might be possible. T was pessamistic about my landing on my own, because of my disabilities, although he did say that it depended on what I wanted to do.
So, I started thinking: if I can't get live in DC to lobby, what is the next best alternative. Ottawa! Then I can lobby on behalf of Omar Khadr in person :) My dad's older brother, Pierre, has lived in Ottawa for a very long time. He's retired now, but he was in the Canadian Army Intelligence Corps for twenty years, and then had a very long career as the Head of Ethnographic Films for the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa. He lived for many, many years in a house built in the 1800s formerly owned by Lorne Green. It was so old that in the papers he had, Uncle Pierre was obilgued to allow the neighbours in front of him to turn their horse team around on his property. They haven't allowed horses on downtown Ottawa streets, except for parades and police, for decades. I visited Uncle Pierre in Ottawa when I was 15 and my brother was 12, and found Ottawa to be a pretty cool city, but that was a loooooong time ago. I need to more investigation, but thinking about Ottawa sparks something in me that feels right.
Thinking outloud :)
Make it a great day !
Have a day filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The next shoe ...
Well, it looks like God has used that foghorn. I will be moving by the end of June. Nothing bad to say about my landlords and very, very longtime good friends, I remain extremely grateful for their kindness, generosity and patience, just has to be. I don't have any idea where to next, but will start exploring possibilities tomorrow. It never rains 'til it pours does it ?
Make it a great day !
Have a day filled with love and inspiration,
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Make it a great day !
Have a day filled with love and inspiration,
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Love, Sweet Love
A couple of days ago a very wise friend mentioned that I might want to create ritual for this time including messages of love for Dan, and fire or water. This got me thinking ... a dangerous prospect lol It got me thinking about romantic love and the future.
Over the last five years, whenever I have allowed myself to think about the possibility of the future and romantic love, I have felt enormously guilty, because it has felt like a betrayal of Dan's love. Recently, I've allowed myself to wonder if I'm meant to be alone, romantically, partnerwise, for the rest of my life. There has been a feeling of guilt, but also a feeling that maybe Dan doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life, and also the feeling that maybe I need to let God answer that question, rather than closing the door myself.
When my friend mentioned doing a fire or water ritual, this connected with me, and reminded me that I still have the handfasting band that Dan and I were medievally married with. (It's a cardwoven rectangular square with our medieval names, one on each side in our colours, with threads coming out of it which were tied at the wedding by long married couples close to us.) It reminded me about the physical contract made when those cords were tied. That contract has been fulfilled/ended now, but the ties remain bound. I think I will create a ritual to burn the band to literally and figuratively release the contract/the binding that is undone. I think I will do this on the 12th, five years from the day it was ended. The end of deep mourning and the opening of the possibilities for any new romantic love that might come. Just an opening.
Make it a great day!
May your day be filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Over the last five years, whenever I have allowed myself to think about the possibility of the future and romantic love, I have felt enormously guilty, because it has felt like a betrayal of Dan's love. Recently, I've allowed myself to wonder if I'm meant to be alone, romantically, partnerwise, for the rest of my life. There has been a feeling of guilt, but also a feeling that maybe Dan doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life, and also the feeling that maybe I need to let God answer that question, rather than closing the door myself.
When my friend mentioned doing a fire or water ritual, this connected with me, and reminded me that I still have the handfasting band that Dan and I were medievally married with. (It's a cardwoven rectangular square with our medieval names, one on each side in our colours, with threads coming out of it which were tied at the wedding by long married couples close to us.) It reminded me about the physical contract made when those cords were tied. That contract has been fulfilled/ended now, but the ties remain bound. I think I will create a ritual to burn the band to literally and figuratively release the contract/the binding that is undone. I think I will do this on the 12th, five years from the day it was ended. The end of deep mourning and the opening of the possibilities for any new romantic love that might come. Just an opening.
Make it a great day!
May your day be filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Connections
One of the reasons I fell in love with Dan is that we understood each other so well, because we had known the same people, been in the same places, and done the same things for so long. We had a cultural context in common, so we could both use short hand when talking with each other and both knew the history and the personalities involved in what we were talking about. That was important to me, because, even though he was 17 years older than I was, we spoke the same "language". I mean that in the context sense, not in the literal sense.
One of the things that built our common context was the fact that we had spent a lot of time together working on things in the SCA, mostly constabulary stuff (safety and security). I believe that spending time together is crucial in creating common context and therefore connection, and, of course, not just romantic connection.
One of the things that has struck me this weekend is how gradually my connection to the SCA, and to many people in it, have become less. It's not that I don't love them or enjoy spending time with them, it's that I'm not spending time with them, so our connection and context is different. I've realized that this has been a gradual process over many years. It started when Dan got sick; his health was day to day so we didn't get to as many events as we had been. A few times we had to leave events we were at because Dan got sick. So gradually we weren't there when decisions were being made, when topics were being discussed, when things happened. We weren't teaching classes all over like we had been for years and years. When we did get to events, we didn't always know the context or personalities involved in what was going on. Of course, sometimes we did, and that was always good. Then Dan was put on dialysis and our world became all about hospitals and doctors and rides to dialysis, except on the occassions we went to the movies or when we very rarely got to an event. Sometimes, as much as I could, I sent to Dan to events with trusted other people. I know it was hard on them, but it really was wonderful. The days at events were times that Dan didn't have to worry about hospitals or doctors. He could get away from being sick, for the most part. I usually stayed home on these days, for two reasons: we couldn't afford for both of us to go (especially as the cost of gas rose) but it was important for Dan's mental health that he go, and because, to be honest, I was exhausted. I only slept when Dan wasn't home, so this meant very limited sleep for two years. We did become extremely close to those who drive Dan to and from dialysis, saving his life every day, because we, and, of course, in particular Dan, spent so much time with them.
After Dan died, my finances have been so devistated that it has been a struggle to afford site fees. I have been to events, at least a few every year, and have enjoyed them, but last weekend I realized that it has felt like visiting rather than being part of, and that it has felt that way for a while, although I couldn't put my finger on it. I tried to remember the last time I had gone to an event and felt like Melissa, like the me of the SCA, and I really couldn't. It felt very sad. I thought about why this has happened, and I think it's because when I go to an event now most of my mind is still on what I am passionate about in the modern world. Because I haven't been spending time at SCA events, I'm having a hard time getting into that world and leaving the other behind. I have even been having trouble finding things to talk about at events that are SCA or related. I'm a different person than Melissa was. Tougher? Maybe, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. More jaded? Absolutely ! And that breaks my heart. I do still have an idolistic streak, which I am thankful for. I do still, and even more urgently, believe in miracles. I just don't feel myself in the SCA context anymore. After 35 years, that hurts a lot, but it is the truth. Yes, there was something that happened, in which the SCA did nothing wrong, which made me make the final decision, but when I thought about it afterwards, I realized it had been coming, for a lot of other reasons, for a long time.
Friday night I was confronted with the reality of how much my reality had changed. I won't go into what happened, but it was stark.
For me, when I talk about whispers, this is the kind of thing I mean, when things happen to turn you in a particular direction. I believe everything happens for a reason. When Dan and I got married, if you had asked me if I was ever going to leave the SCA, the community of people that I have been a part of since I was 11, I would have laughed at the absurd thought of it, but now I see that gradually I have been turned away from it. Then came a day when I knew that I had to leave. It was wrenching. It was soul-crushing. It was the right thing to do. I will always love people who are SCA. I will always call some of them family. I will take time to visit them. But now I must follow those whispers.
Make it a great day!
Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
One of the things that built our common context was the fact that we had spent a lot of time together working on things in the SCA, mostly constabulary stuff (safety and security). I believe that spending time together is crucial in creating common context and therefore connection, and, of course, not just romantic connection.
One of the things that has struck me this weekend is how gradually my connection to the SCA, and to many people in it, have become less. It's not that I don't love them or enjoy spending time with them, it's that I'm not spending time with them, so our connection and context is different. I've realized that this has been a gradual process over many years. It started when Dan got sick; his health was day to day so we didn't get to as many events as we had been. A few times we had to leave events we were at because Dan got sick. So gradually we weren't there when decisions were being made, when topics were being discussed, when things happened. We weren't teaching classes all over like we had been for years and years. When we did get to events, we didn't always know the context or personalities involved in what was going on. Of course, sometimes we did, and that was always good. Then Dan was put on dialysis and our world became all about hospitals and doctors and rides to dialysis, except on the occassions we went to the movies or when we very rarely got to an event. Sometimes, as much as I could, I sent to Dan to events with trusted other people. I know it was hard on them, but it really was wonderful. The days at events were times that Dan didn't have to worry about hospitals or doctors. He could get away from being sick, for the most part. I usually stayed home on these days, for two reasons: we couldn't afford for both of us to go (especially as the cost of gas rose) but it was important for Dan's mental health that he go, and because, to be honest, I was exhausted. I only slept when Dan wasn't home, so this meant very limited sleep for two years. We did become extremely close to those who drive Dan to and from dialysis, saving his life every day, because we, and, of course, in particular Dan, spent so much time with them.
After Dan died, my finances have been so devistated that it has been a struggle to afford site fees. I have been to events, at least a few every year, and have enjoyed them, but last weekend I realized that it has felt like visiting rather than being part of, and that it has felt that way for a while, although I couldn't put my finger on it. I tried to remember the last time I had gone to an event and felt like Melissa, like the me of the SCA, and I really couldn't. It felt very sad. I thought about why this has happened, and I think it's because when I go to an event now most of my mind is still on what I am passionate about in the modern world. Because I haven't been spending time at SCA events, I'm having a hard time getting into that world and leaving the other behind. I have even been having trouble finding things to talk about at events that are SCA or related. I'm a different person than Melissa was. Tougher? Maybe, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. More jaded? Absolutely ! And that breaks my heart. I do still have an idolistic streak, which I am thankful for. I do still, and even more urgently, believe in miracles. I just don't feel myself in the SCA context anymore. After 35 years, that hurts a lot, but it is the truth. Yes, there was something that happened, in which the SCA did nothing wrong, which made me make the final decision, but when I thought about it afterwards, I realized it had been coming, for a lot of other reasons, for a long time.
Friday night I was confronted with the reality of how much my reality had changed. I won't go into what happened, but it was stark.
For me, when I talk about whispers, this is the kind of thing I mean, when things happen to turn you in a particular direction. I believe everything happens for a reason. When Dan and I got married, if you had asked me if I was ever going to leave the SCA, the community of people that I have been a part of since I was 11, I would have laughed at the absurd thought of it, but now I see that gradually I have been turned away from it. Then came a day when I knew that I had to leave. It was wrenching. It was soul-crushing. It was the right thing to do. I will always love people who are SCA. I will always call some of them family. I will take time to visit them. But now I must follow those whispers.
Make it a great day!
Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather
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