My new place

After much searching, and wondering if I was ever going to find something that would work, las night I walked into the house I would have if I designed it. I always felt drawn to, and adored, the craft'sman style. It just feels so right, solid and substantial without being gloomy, and geometric,which also suits me. The entire house is craftsman, with lots of wood and stone. I have the main floor, with a shared kitchen and laundry room. There are huge windows in my room, to let in the fresh air and sunshine :) As soon as I walked in, I knew this was it. My whole heart is singing and I feel entirely blessed. This is the perfect place to dream and plan and make decisions. I will post photos soon. Thank you, God. Love and Hugs, Heather

Creating a new offline community ?

So, one of the things I've been thinking about is how, once I've moved, to create a new offline community and support system. It's feeling a little, okay maybe more than a little, daunting. I know people will be brought into my life, and that helps to settle some of my fears, at the same time I some brainstorming along those lines, and opening up to those opportunities, feels right too. Thoughts? Ideas? Questions?

I know this is a very short post, sorry. Looking forward to your thoughts :)

Make it a great day !

May your day be full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather

US Survivor Benefits ?

I almost forgot to mention: T sent me information on US survivor benefits and related bits, and it turns out I may be eligible for benefits, because I am disabled, when I turn 50 in a little over three years (three years ?!). It's reduced benefits, because I won't be 60 or 65, but benefits nonetheless. Maybe that would be the key to immigrating? It hurts to think that we may be fighting this issue in three years, really hurts, but as I have always said, I'm in this for the long haul. Maybe I'm supposed to fight for Omar in Ottawa now, and then move to the US to more intensely lobby after that?

Opening myself to the whispers and thinking outloud.

Make it a great day !

Have a day full of love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather

Where To ???

A few people have mentioned that DC seems to be the natural place for me to be to lobby the US government on anti-torture issues. It does seem logical to me. So, I emailed a friend who's a US immigration lawyer, who I'll call T. to see what the possibility might be.

Before I go into his answer, let me paranthetically say that when Dan and I got married we were going to go through both countries' processes to become legal in both countries, so we wouldn't have to worry. They were the best laid plans of mice and men. We got Dan landed in Canada, after a huge several year and very expensive effort. By the time we got that done, Dan couldn't sponsor me, because he was disabled, so we never got to that part.

I asked T whether there was a possibility of landing me in the US, since I was the widow of a US citizen. It turns out, if I had asked within two years of Dan's death, it probably would have been easy. Sigh ! I wish I had asked, but that ship has sailed. I also asked if there were any opportunities due to Dan's being a veteran. T hadn't heard of any possibilities along that line, but thought it might be possible. T was pessamistic about my landing on my own, because of my disabilities, although he did say that it depended on what I wanted to do.

So, I started thinking: if I can't get live in DC to lobby, what is the next best alternative. Ottawa! Then I can lobby on behalf of Omar Khadr in person :) My dad's older brother, Pierre, has lived in Ottawa for a very long time. He's retired now, but he was in the Canadian Army Intelligence Corps for twenty years, and then had a very long career as the Head of Ethnographic Films for the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa. He lived for many, many years in a house built in the 1800s formerly owned by Lorne Green. It was so old that in the papers he had, Uncle Pierre was obilgued to allow the neighbours in front of him to turn their horse team around on his property. They haven't allowed horses on downtown Ottawa streets, except for parades and police, for decades. I visited Uncle Pierre in Ottawa when I was 15 and my brother was 12, and found Ottawa to be a pretty cool city, but that was a loooooong time ago. I need to more investigation, but thinking about Ottawa sparks something in me that feels right.

Thinking outloud :)

Make it a great day !

Have a day filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather

The next shoe ...

Well, it looks like God has used that foghorn. I will be moving by the end of June. Nothing bad to say about my landlords and very, very longtime good friends, I remain extremely grateful for their kindness, generosity and patience, just has to be. I don't have any idea where to next, but will start exploring possibilities tomorrow. It never rains 'til it pours does it ?

Make it a great day !
Have a day filled with love and inspiration,
Love and Hugs,
Heather

Love, Sweet Love

A couple of days ago a very wise friend mentioned that I might want to create ritual for this time including messages of love for Dan, and fire or water. This got me thinking ... a dangerous prospect lol It got me thinking about romantic love and the future.

Over the last five years, whenever I have allowed myself to think about the possibility of the future and romantic love, I have felt enormously guilty, because it has felt like a betrayal of Dan's love. Recently, I've allowed myself to wonder if I'm meant to be alone, romantically, partnerwise, for the rest of my life. There has been a feeling of guilt, but also a feeling that maybe Dan doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life, and also the feeling that maybe I need to let God answer that question, rather than closing the door myself.

When my friend mentioned doing a fire or water ritual, this connected with me, and reminded me that I still have the handfasting band that Dan and I were medievally married with. (It's a cardwoven rectangular square with our medieval names, one on each side in our colours, with threads coming out of it which were tied at the wedding by long married couples close to us.) It reminded me about the physical contract made when those cords were tied. That contract has been fulfilled/ended now, but the ties remain bound. I think I will create a ritual to burn the band to literally and figuratively release the contract/the binding that is undone. I think I will do this on the 12th, five years from the day it was ended. The end of deep mourning and the opening of the possibilities for any new romantic love that might come. Just an opening.

Make it a great day!
May your day be filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather

Connections

One of the reasons I fell in love with Dan is that we understood each other so well, because we had known the same people, been in the same places, and done the same things for so long. We had a cultural context in common, so we could both use short hand when talking with each other and both knew the history and the personalities involved in what we were talking about. That was important to me, because, even though he was 17 years older than I was, we spoke the same "language". I mean that in the context sense, not in the literal sense.



One of the things that built our common context was the fact that we had spent a lot of time together working on things in the SCA, mostly constabulary stuff (safety and security). I believe that spending time together is crucial in creating common context and therefore connection, and, of course, not just romantic connection.



One of the things that has struck me this weekend is how gradually my connection to the SCA, and to many people in it, have become less. It's not that I don't love them or enjoy spending time with them, it's that I'm not spending time with them, so our connection and context is different. I've realized that this has been a gradual process over many years. It started when Dan got sick; his health was day to day so we didn't get to as many events as we had been. A few times we had to leave events we were at because Dan got sick. So gradually we weren't there when decisions were being made, when topics were being discussed, when things happened. We weren't teaching classes all over like we had been for years and years. When we did get to events, we didn't always know the context or personalities involved in what was going on. Of course, sometimes we did, and that was always good. Then Dan was put on dialysis and our world became all about hospitals and doctors and rides to dialysis, except on the occassions we went to the movies or when we very rarely got to an event. Sometimes, as much as I could, I sent to Dan to events with trusted other people. I know it was hard on them, but it really was wonderful. The days at events were times that Dan didn't have to worry about hospitals or doctors. He could get away from being sick, for the most part. I usually stayed home on these days, for two reasons: we couldn't afford for both of us to go (especially as the cost of gas rose) but it was important for Dan's mental health that he go, and because, to be honest, I was exhausted. I only slept when Dan wasn't home, so this meant very limited sleep for two years. We did become extremely close to those who drive Dan to and from dialysis, saving his life every day, because we, and, of course, in particular Dan, spent so much time with them.



After Dan died, my finances have been so devistated that it has been a struggle to afford site fees. I have been to events, at least a few every year, and have enjoyed them, but last weekend I realized that it has felt like visiting rather than being part of, and that it has felt that way for a while, although I couldn't put my finger on it. I tried to remember the last time I had gone to an event and felt like Melissa, like the me of the SCA, and I really couldn't. It felt very sad. I thought about why this has happened, and I think it's because when I go to an event now most of my mind is still on what I am passionate about in the modern world. Because I haven't been spending time at SCA events, I'm having a hard time getting into that world and leaving the other behind. I have even been having trouble finding things to talk about at events that are SCA or related. I'm a different person than Melissa was. Tougher? Maybe, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. More jaded? Absolutely ! And that breaks my heart. I do still have an idolistic streak, which I am thankful for. I do still, and even more urgently, believe in miracles. I just don't feel myself in the SCA context anymore. After 35 years, that hurts a lot, but it is the truth. Yes, there was something that happened, in which the SCA did nothing wrong, which made me make the final decision, but when I thought about it afterwards, I realized it had been coming, for a lot of other reasons, for a long time.



Friday night I was confronted with the reality of how much my reality had changed. I won't go into what happened, but it was stark.



For me, when I talk about whispers, this is the kind of thing I mean, when things happen to turn you in a particular direction. I believe everything happens for a reason. When Dan and I got married, if you had asked me if I was ever going to leave the SCA, the community of people that I have been a part of since I was 11, I would have laughed at the absurd thought of it, but now I see that gradually I have been turned away from it. Then came a day when I knew that I had to leave. It was wrenching. It was soul-crushing. It was the right thing to do. I will always love people who are SCA. I will always call some of them family. I will take time to visit them. But now I must follow those whispers.



Make it a great day!

Have a day full of love and inspiration.

Love and Hugs,
Heather

Why not Vancouver?

I've lived in Vancouver for 40 years (eeeeeep !) and before that Oakville, Ontario from the time I was 1 1/2 until I was almost 6. I was born in Vancouver and then we moved to Oakville, where my brother was born. I lived in the same house for twenty years, and then, after two temporary apartments, a secondary suite for 10 years, and then the secondary suite where I still live for twelve years, so you could say I'm kind of a homebody who doesn't like to move a lot.

I love the area I live in because it's flat, so it's easy to walk places, and many or most of my day to day necessary services are close enough to walk or a short bus ride. I don't own a car and have never had a driver's license.

I love the people of Vancouver and how multicutural it is. One of heartwarming memories I will carry always from our Olympic experience was from the last Saturday night, the night before the men's gold medal hockey game. Mom and I didn't have tickets to any actual sport events, so we had spent the two weeks of the Olympics going to all of the pavilions and other free venues and events. we had truly made our own olympic experience, which we had thoroughly enjoyed. That Saturday, Mom called and asked if I wanted to meet her downtown, so I did. The crowds were huge, but all very happy and friendly. Late in the evening we were on Granville St. (a very major pedestrian street and gathering spot) walking around. we stopped to listen to a street musician named Captain Canada and his band. He was GREAT ! Everyone, no matter age, race, gender, whatever, were dancing and singing. he really had a knack for playing songs that most people knew and could sing along with. Midnight came, and he started "O Canada". There we were, thousands of people, on the streets of Vancouver, singing our national anthem at the top of our lungs. Yes, I will admit that it was rather chauvanistic, singing our national anthem when we hosting the world, but as a Canadian it filled my heart to overflowing, because so often we hide our light. The best part, for me, one of the Olympic volunteers standing as the first person on one side of the semi-circle in front of the band. The gentleman was an oldr Sikh gentleman, so he was wearing a turbin. He was also, of course, wearing the aquamarine jacket the became the ubiquitous symbol of the thousands of Olympic volunteers. In his hand he had a Canadian flag, which he was waving along with every song being played. That gentleman truly symbolized for me the multicultural home I love.

So, why is moving on my mind ? As I said in my first message, I don't feel like I'm doing the best job I could be on my mission, I'm far away from where the decisions about torture and interrogation and the prisoners get made, so when something happens that I need to respond to it means, because what I have to say is most effective in person, that I have to figure out plane fare and make arrangements to travel across the continent, which takes time. If I lived closer, I could get there more easily and more quickly and more often.

Why can't I help mobilize people here in Vancouver? I could, or I wish I could. The truth is that most people here don't want to hear about the issue and what's going on, they don't want to hear about the real live people who are suffering. I've tried, and although people will listen, their eyes usually glaze over and they don't ask any questions. When I organize presentations on the issue, even friends here don't come. I don't mean this to put them down, and I'm not mad at them; it's just reality. My voice speaking about Dan's experience and the current reality can be valuable, it can change hearts and minds, but it feels like I'm being wasted right now.

Why do I feel like I can leave Vancouver? Well, really, the only people holding me here right now are Mom and my nephew. There are other people I love here, but I can come and visit, and we can email and IM. I'm not seeing them nearly as much as I used to, so will it be different if I'm not in the same city?

Some thoughts to ponder...

Make it a great day !
May your day be filled with love and inspiration.
Love and Hugs,
Heather

"Listening to the Whispers" ?

Welcome to my new blog. As it says in my profile, I'm on a very big journey.

As most (all?) of you know, after four years of disability, including two years of dialysis, my husband, Dan, had a fatal heart attack June 12th, 2005. The same month Dan was disabled, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He died December 16th of 2003. Added to that, I was born with a genetic disease called Turner's Syndrome, which has increasingly affected my body and my day to day life. Turner's means where most women have two x chromosomes, I have only one. Among other things, it has taken much of my hearing, taken the roots that should have been holding my teeth in, and given me arthritis in many of my joints and osteoporosis in my spine. All of this has left me with a challenging physical reality, because I'm not able, physically, to work a fulltime job to support myself, and I don't have someone to support me.

At the same time, I have been blessed with so much that I feel horrible complaining. So many of you, and so many others, have truly surrounded me, and Dan, with so much support and love, and even miracles, and I am truly humbled and grateful. You have truly made a difference and continue to make a difference.

As many of you also know, Dan was a Vietnam vet who survived torture. he left me with the mission to stop torture as the law, policy and practice of the United States, and to push to have those responsible held legally accountable. This blog won't primarily be talking about torture, unless you have questions; I mentioned it because my mission is central to my life. Over the past five years, I have tried to live up to that mission, but I don't feel I'm being as effective as I could be.

Which leads to the question: when I say, "Listening to the Whispers", what am I talking about? Well, most of you have heard, or were part of, what happened surrounding Dan and Bo Bice, and me and the whole community, so you know that in my faith tradition it became clear that God had a plan that He was carrying out, a plan more miraculous and more amazing than any of us could have guessed. But it's okay if you don't believe that; I respect those with other faith traditions and those who don't have a faith tradition. The "whispers" are those nudges you get, in my case from God, that show you the next step in your journey. I feel like I've been getting a lot of whispers over the last few months and that God has been getting me ready to take a huge step towards a whole new life. This blog will be about listening to and for those whispers, exploring them, and finding a way to follow them.

Please, I hope this place will be lively with conversation. Ask questions. Make observations. Express concerns. Talk about whatever is in your heart. I can't do this without you.

Thank you for your love.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you for being you.

Make it a great day!
May your day be filled with love and inspiration.